If you’ve ever been told you ‘just need to be more assertive’, or felt unappreciated when you go the extra mile and put yourself last, then this article is for you. 

Because there is a better way to live your life, at home and at work, than constantly seeking approval and acceptance from others.

What is people pleasing? 

Let’s start upside down with what it’s not. It’s not kindness, being a nice person or ‘a team player’.

Surprised? 

Here’s The Cambridge English Dictionary’s definition: ‘’Someone who cares a lot about whether other people like them, and always wants others to approve of their actions’’. I love a definition, but there’s a lot more to it. 

So what is it? At its simplest it’s saying yes when you really want to say no. But you’re afraid to, or feel you can’t. 

People pleasing can of course look like kindness, but it isn’t. Firstly because the reasons you do it are different – people pleasing is often motivated by fear, kindness isn’t. 

The second important difference is expectation – with kindness there is no expectation of return. The hard truth about people-pleasing is there is always a hope or expectation – of acceptance, appreciation, validation.

Consider staying late after work on a Friday night to complete a project. Why are you doing it? Are you doing it because the project is so exciting and you love the work? Or are you deep down hoping for recognition, praise, promotion even? Have you cancelled plans and resent doing so? What is the cost to your life, your relationships, your wellbeing? 

Hard questions. But the answers give some idea as to whether you’re people pleasing, or not. 

But of course there are times that good leadership, being committed, a team player, mean you put the needs of others first. Stay late, ‘taking one for the team’. So where is the dividing line? 

It’s about patterns – if it’s a one off for the greater good of the team, or a genuine emergency, well maybe that’s just great leadership. But when ignoring what you need becomes the norm, then resentment, anger, overwhelm and burnout are probably on their way.  

What might this look like then? 

Say you agree to staying late to finish a project on Friday night, but you don’t want to. You want to curl up on the sofa and watch Downton Abbey, you’re done, it’s been a tough week. And it’s the second time this month.

Monday morning comes and it’ll be worth it because you’ll get that praise you’re expecting from your boss, hell the whole team. But nothing comes.  Not for putting yourself out, not for your excellent work, not for saving the team. So you’re mad, resentful and knackered on Monday. Not a happy place to be. 

If this sounds like you, and you’re wondering what on earth you say yes, you aren’t alone. In a YouGov poll, about 49% of Americans describe themselves as people-pleasers, with women slightly more likely to do so.

Saying no may sound easy, but not if you’re a people pleaser.

Read on to find out why. 

Why is people pleasing so bad for you?

It sounds fluffy and cuddly, just being a nice person, but it’s not. The long term consequences for the people pleaser are serious. 

According to Julie Exline, Ph.D., a Professor in the Department of Psychological Sciences at Case Western Reserve University, people pleasing can lead to exhaustion, burnout, and depression. 

And people pleasing leads to resentment and anger, which will somehow leak out – short temper, snappiness, irritability.  Which makes you feel worse, and doesn’t do relationships – home and work – any good. 

Here’s a few reasons why this happens: 

• You’re meeting someone else’s need, doing what they want

• You’re not doing what you need or want

• You’re expecting a return that is not guaranteed – praise, appreciation, respect

• You’re expecting them to know what’s going on for you and what the effect of ‘yes’ is on you. 

And when you automatically say yes (when you mean no), this is what the consequences could be:

• The briefing is requested at 5pm for the next day, and you have plans for dinner with friends, so you cancel and feel guilty and fearful that they’ll never invite you again.

• Your team is overstretched, carrying vacancies and the project you said yes to means they’ll be under a lot of pressure. So you do most of it, working long hours, getting tired, and becoming irritable at home.

• The proposal is outside your area of expertise and would be much better covered by Alice (who says she’s too busy). But it’s really important so you say yes. Worrying and procrastinating, you cause yourself more stress. 

And then you beat yourself up about saying yes, and the mess you then need to clear up. Or maybe you blame someone else, rant and rave about how you’re taken for granted, not valued. 

But deep down wish you could say no, so badly. 

Of course, you could say yes and be happy with the consequences, because you want to do it – because you love the work, are so committed to the project, feel satisfaction in a job well done. But that’s not people pleasing, because YOU want to do it. 

And the very worst thing? Although people tend to like you as a result, they probably won’t respect you in the long run if you never say no. Even if they’re the very ones asking you to get things done. 

And that’s no recipe for effectiveness, confidence or wellbeing at work

Why do you do it – what’s the plus side?

So what’s in it for you? With all this, what on earth would anyone do it? 

Well, a number of things – to start with it feels good in the moment – when saying no feels just too hard. 

When you say yes, you’ve solved the problem, done the ‘right’ thing, pleased your boss. Smiles all round, feeling good, warm and fuzzy. Until right after you start to feel bad and even used – that heaviness in your gut

 So why have you done it again?

Because, the alternatives at the time feel more difficult – no one really likes to hear ‘no’, or work out what needs to stop, or be paused. 

You know this, so you anticipate disappointment, irritation and resistance. Or worse, outright anger. And if you are more sensitive, you’re likely to feel their emotions and yours intensely – doubly uncomfortable. 

And actually saying ‘no’ means even more difficult things for Quiet Leaders: 

• Responding very quickly when you’d prefer to think about it and consult the team on the consequences

• Negotiating (arguing) about priorities 

• Conflicting needs to figure out – yours, the requester, your team, family and friends

And that doesn’t sound so great. Some people might love a nice stimulating argument – but that’s them and not you. It’s exhausting and overwhelming – no wonder a quick ‘yes’ and taking the consequences on your shoulders feels like the better option. 

This all might make you cringe, but take a minute to thank the good reasons for helping people are. 

According to Mark Travers PhD from Awake Therapy, helping someone else usually helps us too – it strengthens our bond with another, makes us feel better about ourselves, and ensures reciprocity in the future. 

So we’re seeking to connect, be liked and respected. Part of the tribe. Not so bad?

But what happens when we do this all the time and don’t do what we need, is exhaustion and burnout. And when you don’t feel validated or appreciated, but instead taken for granted, your confidence and self esteem will also take a hit. 

Why does it show up at work?

Because you’re brilliant. So people want you on their team. 

Intuitively Quiet Leaders know what other people need, and figure it out before they do – what your boss or CEO needs in a briefing for instance. You so easily put yourself in their shoes making it incisive, easily understandable and concise. 

And helping people, making a difference, gives you joy – ‘saying yes’ to the extra responsibility, the project, drafting the proposal. And let’s face it – who doesn’t love appreciation for a job well done?

And all of that is great, it’s what has made you so successful, respected, liked. 

Until you stop considering your own needs, make them less important than other people’s, or discount them entirely.

If there’s capacity for all of it, then yes might be a no brainer – go for it. But so often nowadays anything additional means re-prioritising or stopping something else – otherwise you and your team pay the price. Which means there are consequences to the ‘yes’.

Could it be even worse? 

It could, because I bet there are times you’ve volunteered without even being asked. 

You intuitively see solutions, anticipate what people need, and you’ve already decided what needs doing. You’ve brainstormed, consulted, proposed and taken on the leadership of the solution.

But this is no place for shame, you just got excited. Because you’re brilliant, and it’s in your nature to anticipate what other people need, to analyse, to think deeply. 

You love to help, to connect, to feel respected and to be useful. So, you solve and volunteer.

But when you can’t say no to your own volunteering, the cost is the same, and it’s more elusive than a demanding Director who keeps heaping on work.

It’s a bit embarrassing explaining to your team too. What to do when you’ve effectively said they’ve got capacity when they simply haven’t? Justify it, a lot, or do it yourself.

And because you value integrity, you’re not going to go back on your word. Overworking, overwhelm and exhaustion are the result as you lose sight of priorities.

Who benefits? 

The short answer? No one. 

The trick is not to think of it as kindness, building your reputation, or doing a great job. 

According to Mark Travers, lead Psychologist at ‘Awake Space’, it’s easy to fall into the people-pleasing trap because people often like you as a result of it. 

At least initially. 

So it can look a lot like kindness or commitment to the job.

And kindness has many benefits. Not only to the person receiving, but also the giver and observers of the kind act. It connects, calms, makes us feel safe. Neuroscientifically, it gives us a shot of dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin and endorphins which makes everyone feel good. 

So initially you will feel good.

But if you’re people pleasing, that’s different. You don’t put yourself first, and you’re seeking acceptance and respect from always saying yes.  

But over time you won’t appear authentic and you’ll resent those asking (or berate yourself for volunteering)

And as Mark says, the effects of people pleasing over a long period of time can be devastating. You may lose touch with your emotions and what you want, living your life on someone else’s terms.

So short term it might also look like your boss and your organisation is benefitting. After all there’s a lot of work getting done and deadlines being met! But people pleasers are not more effective in the long run. 

Taking on more than you or your team can do, trying to do it all, and burning out? Worse still, losing people or burning out your team on the way? That doesn’t look like good leadership, nor good prioritisation skills. 

Because leadership and managing upwards is about saying no, ‘not yet’ or working out what drops  

And as a leader, setting a good example is essential. If you say yes to everything, what does that say to your team about the way things are done around here? 

With Mental Health UK’s 2024 report showing that one in five workers needed time off in 2024 due to poor mental health caused by pressure or stress, the ability to say no and manage yours and your team’s workload is essential. 

So not only do your self-esteem, health, and reputation take a hit. Ultimately it means you will be overlooked as a leader – for that very promotion you deserve.  

Five tips to stop people pleasing – the 5Ps of people pleasing 

Stopping people pleasing is about recognising and valuing your needs. 

It’s understanding and demonstrating by example how putting your needs first means you lead better. 

Ultimately the courage to pause, evaluate your own motivations, weigh benefits and costs, and say ‘no’ at times. 

Not always, but sometimes. And with confidence.

Does ‘not people pleasing’ mean we’re unkind and selfish, ignoring the needs of others? It does not. Nor does it mean saying no all the time. Just when it’s needed. 

To be an effective and resilient Quiet Leader,  you have to ‘put your oxygen mask on first’. 

Here are my 5 tips to stop people pleasing at work: ‘the 5 Ps of people pleasing’. 

Let’s dive in. 

1. Pause

Practice giving yourself time. ‘No’ can feel like a step too far to start with, especially without a well thought-through reason. I appreciate ‘no is a complete sentence’ but that can feel too jarring when you’re a recovering people pleaser!

So try a ‘maybe’ first – a pause. 

Not an outright no, but giving yourself time so you don’t need to immediately respond. 

And having a practiced ‘pause’ reply is great because you can just roll it off your tongue. 

So start off by writing down whatever sentence feels good to you, that communicates a ‘maybe’. One you can use in most situations. 

Perhaps “I’ll come back to you tomorrow’ or ‘let me check with the team and come back to you by the end of day’. Give it a deadline so your boss trusts it. 

Choose your two favourites – the ones that feel the most comfortable. 

2. Play for time 

Use your sentence to give yourself time. Don’t beat yourself up when it feels really clunky to start with or maybe you don’t get it out word perfect, or it’s resisted. 

It takes repetition and remember – people aren’t used to you doing this. 

So now you have a little time. Use it. 

Give your self time to prepare for when you back and propose a way forward. Evaluate pros and cons, conflicting prioritisation needs. What is the cost of doing this? 

If this is tricky, as Psychologist Petra Kipfelsberger, an expert on the topic of authenticity, suggests, try substituting ‘could’ for ‘should’ in your thinking. 

You ‘could’ do it all, or you ‘could’ prioritise this request or you ‘could’ prioritise something else. Play with it – you know the best solution – ‘could’ your options! 

3. Plus side 

What’s underneath your people pleasing habit? What has been the plus side for you? A little exploration goes a long way here. 

The reality is, that there is always an expectation of return with people pleasing, a payback. Appreciation, respect or reciprocation perhaps? 

And not getting that unspoken need met can result in resentment, frustration and anger. 

What is it you want or need but aren’t getting it? Where can you give yourself this without people pleasing?

Check out my workbook on my website here to dig into it some more 

4. Potter (small steps)

Don’t dive straight in with the most difficult person you deal with. Save them for later. 

If you do, you risk overwhelming yourself, getting into ‘fight, flight or freeze’ mode and not being able to think.  

So start small with easy, low stakes situations. Think about where, when and how you can try steps 1-2 out, so it feels just a little bit scary. 

This will almost certainly feel uncomfortable. But terrifying? No.  

5. Practice, practice, practice…

A lot. Start on your own, with no audience.

In the mirror, before you need it. 

Practice your pause sentences, your proposals. 

Approach this with a learning hat on – you’re not going to get it ‘right’ the first time. 

And remember two things that might make you feel you’re ‘doing it wrong’. 

Firstly, you have no control over other people’s responses – they may push back on ‘no’ or even ‘maybe’. You’re not doing it wrong though – this is their shit. Keep going, stay strong. 

Secondly, they’re not used to you doing this so allow for there to be awkwardness. But you’ve got this. 

Build as you go, increasing the stakes. Tweak your approach as you practice and learn. Until that ‘most difficult person’ is done.

With ease. 

You can do it.